An Equal Opportunity Religion Basher
With all the gory events around us I thought some laughter could be of use. This is a piece that I wrote for my amusement some time ago. Enjoy and remember I am an equal opportunity basher.
The periodic table reveals a connection between the atomic number of arsenic (symbol As, a poisonous element) and the number of years Jesus of Nazareth lived on this earth. Although I am of Etruscan descent and my irreverent anarchism goes back eons, I do not claim any haruspical powers but I think these are some points to ponder in this new millennium.
Jews: By taking every third letter of the Torah and throwing away the ones that do not fit and sprinkling in the missing vowels, these revelations can be deciphered:
Abraham, the fictitious patriarch and confidence man who moved from town to town due to being hunted down by the people he conned. In Egypt he pimped his wife/sister Sarah to Pharaoh and had affairs and a child from his wife/sister’s handmaiden Hagar.
Moses, the foundling who would not be pharaoh. So out of spite, he appropriated Akhenaten's beliefs, and took his people, the slaves, with him to form the first trade union, the Brotherhood of the Israelites.
David, the shepherd who took advantage of Goliath, a retard with a glandular condition and upon becoming king of the Israelites lusted after Bathsheba enough to kill her husband. He really deserves a star (magen) named after him!
Einstein, the genius who stood on the shoulders of Riemann (and of his first wife Mileva Maric?). When no other mathematics existed on the shelf to borrow, his genius dried up but had he stumbled upon Lie Algebra he could have had String Theory. Spooooky.
Mormons: The angel Moroni (aka Boloney) should appear again to another generic Joseph Smith and solemnly reveal that small families are from now on "in" lest the Marriott Hotel should have no more room and all the polygamist patriarchs should first spend forty years in the wilderness without food or water to prove their mettle.
Moslems: The archangel Gabriel should manifest himself to another prophet (Mini-Mohammed) and sacredly reveal that if Muslim women have to be veiled (chadors, abayas, burqas, etc.), Moslem men must too. Otherwise it is bikinis (monokinis?) for all true believers.
Christians: The gospel according to Saint Mark clearly proclaims that Jesus of Nazareth was a Jew. This Jesus, not having biology Scriptures to crib from as it was customary among aspiring Jewish Messiahs, knew nothing about DNA. Saint Thomas Aquinas would now have a fit trying to reconcile faith and reason.
Protestants: New interpretations from the "Bible for Real Idiots" reveal that studying the Bible should be discouraged as it interferes with true learning like evolution.
Hindus: Shiva, the Destroyer, has Brahma, the Creator and Vishnu, the Preserver in a state of stalemate over the observation that "free will" is nowhere to be found in the Bhagavad Gita. The dharma is threatened because how can a karma devoid of free will be someone's samsara? In the meantime, Nirvana for everyone.
Buddhists: The futility of understanding the first of Buddha's Four Noble Truths: "To be fully understood: the universality of suffering" became apparent to Buddhist monk Panchatantra Doremi after reading de Sade's and von Sacher-Masoch's oeuvres. His seminal sutra on the Tripitaka asks: "If pain and suffering are subjective how can they be universal? If suffering occurs anywhere in the cosmos without anyone to witness it, is it suffering?" His sutras on the other Noble Truths are keenly awaited.
The periodic table reveals a connection between the atomic number of arsenic (symbol As, a poisonous element) and the number of years Jesus of Nazareth lived on this earth. Although I am of Etruscan descent and my irreverent anarchism goes back eons, I do not claim any haruspical powers but I think these are some points to ponder in this new millennium.
Jews: By taking every third letter of the Torah and throwing away the ones that do not fit and sprinkling in the missing vowels, these revelations can be deciphered:
- It is now time to get a life about being the chosen people. The Asians are smarter anyway (at the time of the Covenant, the Far East was not on the map) and Bill Gates, a goy, has more money than all the tribes in Galilee, Samaria and Judea.
- Mutilations of private parts shall be discontinued as desensitization brings on delusions of biblical proportions.
- Wearing Polish peasant clothes that went out of style in the 1700’s is a non-kosher fashion statement and yarmulkes cause bad hair days.
- Dietary laws are so lame (YWHW knew nothing about cooking to 140 F, refrigeration or salting. Think about it, the Vikings built a raiding empire on salted cod! The Torah what a piece of crap!)
Abraham, the fictitious patriarch and confidence man who moved from town to town due to being hunted down by the people he conned. In Egypt he pimped his wife/sister Sarah to Pharaoh and had affairs and a child from his wife/sister’s handmaiden Hagar.
Moses, the foundling who would not be pharaoh. So out of spite, he appropriated Akhenaten's beliefs, and took his people, the slaves, with him to form the first trade union, the Brotherhood of the Israelites.
David, the shepherd who took advantage of Goliath, a retard with a glandular condition and upon becoming king of the Israelites lusted after Bathsheba enough to kill her husband. He really deserves a star (magen) named after him!
Einstein, the genius who stood on the shoulders of Riemann (and of his first wife Mileva Maric?). When no other mathematics existed on the shelf to borrow, his genius dried up but had he stumbled upon Lie Algebra he could have had String Theory. Spooooky.
Mormons: The angel Moroni (aka Boloney) should appear again to another generic Joseph Smith and solemnly reveal that small families are from now on "in" lest the Marriott Hotel should have no more room and all the polygamist patriarchs should first spend forty years in the wilderness without food or water to prove their mettle.
Moslems: The archangel Gabriel should manifest himself to another prophet (Mini-Mohammed) and sacredly reveal that if Muslim women have to be veiled (chadors, abayas, burqas, etc.), Moslem men must too. Otherwise it is bikinis (monokinis?) for all true believers.
Christians: The gospel according to Saint Mark clearly proclaims that Jesus of Nazareth was a Jew. This Jesus, not having biology Scriptures to crib from as it was customary among aspiring Jewish Messiahs, knew nothing about DNA. Saint Thomas Aquinas would now have a fit trying to reconcile faith and reason.
Protestants: New interpretations from the "Bible for Real Idiots" reveal that studying the Bible should be discouraged as it interferes with true learning like evolution.
Hindus: Shiva, the Destroyer, has Brahma, the Creator and Vishnu, the Preserver in a state of stalemate over the observation that "free will" is nowhere to be found in the Bhagavad Gita. The dharma is threatened because how can a karma devoid of free will be someone's samsara? In the meantime, Nirvana for everyone.
Buddhists: The futility of understanding the first of Buddha's Four Noble Truths: "To be fully understood: the universality of suffering" became apparent to Buddhist monk Panchatantra Doremi after reading de Sade's and von Sacher-Masoch's oeuvres. His seminal sutra on the Tripitaka asks: "If pain and suffering are subjective how can they be universal? If suffering occurs anywhere in the cosmos without anyone to witness it, is it suffering?" His sutras on the other Noble Truths are keenly awaited.
posted by TheEtruscan at 9:33 AM
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